Culinary Wars
by peach petal9
Summary: Final Fantasy characters battle off against Master Chef Tonberry for the prize...if they don't kill each other first.


Ok, here is my next story. I hope you guys are familiar with the show "Iron Chef", 'cuz the Final Fantasy Crew is pitching their own cooking battle. Here it is!

Announcers- Zidane Tribal and Gogo Spence

Judges- Quina, Sabin, Aeris, Sephiroth

Referee- Ramuh

Challenger- Eiko

Zidane: Good evening! Tonight's special event will leave everyone, including you the audience, belly-aching full! We guarantee a full course meal of action, drama, and gourmet humor! Tonight, we present our episode of …

Master Tonberry's Culinary Wars!

Zidane is sitting up in a small booth with Gogo as the show opens up. He smiles and waves to the camera. "Hello, I'm Zidane Tribal from Mist Continent! I am here with my co-host Gogo Spence from…The Zone Eater on a Triangle Island?"

Gogo butts in, "Hey everybody! Tonight is the big night of Master Tonberry's Culinary Wars. It's the first show of many, but you may be wondering like many, how this got started. Well I'll tell you…I don't know…" Gogo spaces out.

Zidane chuckles at this, "Heh, heh, I do! It started when a certain gambler overheard a chef boast that his cooking was sooo good, even a Tonberry would give up his trusty chef's knife for just a sniff of his food. Master Tonberry got word of this and was furious! He challenged the mysterious chef and the gambler agreed to finance Tonberry's challenge if Master Tonberry creates better dishes than any challenger that takes on Master Tonberry. So, Master T. agreed and the gambler gave Tonberry the biggest, most advanced kitchen complete with assistants with great skill. One side would be for Tonberry and the other for the challenger. It was filled to the brim with every food, spice, and magic spell known throughout the worlds! Hee, hee, whoops! So there you have it."

Gogo smiles. "Wonderful! Now let's get on with tonight's event. Starting with the challenger, she was born in Madaine Sari. She lives with her moogles and has her kitchen skills perfected with her native ingredients. She started at the age of 2! She has spirit and powers that seem unimaginable for her age. Here she comes…Introducing Eiko from Madaine Sari!"

There is applause from the audience as the little blue hair girl walks out with her moogles behind her. Zidane goes down to meet the chefs and Gogo trips after him. Zidane stands between the walkways for each chef. "And of course, defending his title and now entering the arena is The Grand Master Tonberry!"

Master Tonberry enters and the crowd goes wild. Master Tonberry is followed by his entourage of tonberries. Zidane continues, "Master Tonberry hails from parts unknown and has under his command the entire Tonberry world. His culinary skills are, at least thus far, unsurpassed." He finishes in a whisper. "So let's listen in as the two chefs introduce each other."

Gogo stands between the two chefs. "Alright, Eiko how are you?"

Eiko bows and giggles. "I'm great. I'm ready for this challenge."

"Then let's get some info. When did you start cooking?"

"Um, when I started to get hungry."

"And what is your favorite cooking style?"

"Well it would have to be the good old tradition of my people." She smiles.

Gogo nods. "Very well," He turns to Master Tonberry, "Welcome Master Tonberry. How are you this evening?"

Master Tonberry bows. "I'm feeling quite well, although I-'

"Wonderful!" Gogo interrupts.

"(Oh!)" Huffs Tonberry as Gogo continues. "So, here we go! Tonight we have a complex kitchen setup with the finest ingredients and the latest technical advancements in culinary cooking, all for these two chefs. Now, let's go to Zidane for the mystery ingredient."

The camera switches to Zidane who is standing at the stage area by a big table. "Thanks Gogo. Well folks, the food that is picked by anonymous judges who do not know who the challenger is. They pick a random item through a step by step process of-

"GAU PICK FOOD AND I WANT BONBERRIES! Ha ha ha !" Gau jumps up in front of the camera with a huge grin on his face.

"Gau!" Zidane glares at the wild boy off-screen. "Well," he turns back to the camera all smiles, "there you have it. Tonight's item is bonberries! Gogo?"

Gogo is back in the booth. "Great! Bonberries originated from the era of Chrono Trigger's Adventure. They are not actually berries but nuts in a sweet shell and can be eaten whole. Reddish brown in appearance, the nut is covered with bumps all over its skin and protected is by a dark brown shell. Wonderful item tonight! Zidane, I'm looking forward to seeing what our two chefs cook up with this nutty delicacy!"

Camera switches back to Zidane. "Wow! So that's what a bonberry is? Alright, then let's get into position, chefs."

Eiko tugs gently on his coat. "Um, if it's okay, I'd like to use my own moogles for this. I'd feel more comfortable than with different moogles."

Zidane bends down slightly to give here a heart-melting smile. "Go right ahead my pretty little lady." Eiko giggles.

The camera returns to Gogo. "(Zidane!) Very well, Get ready, get set…Cook! Or bake! Or flambé…Or-

"Here we gooo!" Master Tonberry shouts. "Tonberries ho!" Chant the tonberries.

Eiko throws a fist in the air. "Let's go moogles!"

"Kupo pop poppo!"

Zidane is back in the box with Gogo. "And they're off…uh, oh dear." The two watch helplessly as the two tiny chefs make their way to the table. Eiko runs up, but is too short to reach the baskets of bonberries. "Rrrgh! Grrr! Ooooh!"

Tonberry can't run. "I'm waddling as fast as I can." The tonberries cheer him on.

"Heh heh, maybe we should redesign the table." Zidane adds sheepishly. "Wonderful!" Gogo replies.

"Huh? Uh, why don't we introduce our special, intelligent delicacies up here with us-

"Ahem!" Cyan coughs.

"-Oh and our expert chef on hand, Cyan Garamonde." Zidane looks away from Aeris and to the elder man.

"Thank you." Cyan bows.

Zidane quickly turns away again towards Aeris. "Two of our judges are here with us tonight from the eating panel. Ladies?

"Superb!" shouts Gogo.

Zidane looks uneasily at Gogo. "Uh, first we have Aeris Ganesborough with us. How lovely you look tonight." He gives her a charming smile.

Aeris blushes slightly and bows. "Thank you. I'm looking forward to this item."

Zidane nods and looks over Aeris and jumps slightly. "Whoa, ho ho you're not a lovely lady but you could sure pull it off. Sephiroth, have you eaten bonberries before?"

Sepiroth glare back at the young man and replies coldly. "First off, I don't like sitting next to you and no I've never touched the stuff."

Zidane adjusts his collar. "Um, ah-hah! Success!" He switches to the floor. "Something seems to be moving along!"

"Alright, Eiko has gotten help from her moogles as they lift her up. Folks, only the challenger and Master Tonberry can pick the food. Master Tonberry has picked up a basket up with his knife and is just waddling back to his kitchen." Gogo adds.

Master Tonberry takes charge. "Okay! Tonberries turn on the oven. Prepare my cutting board."

Eiko sets up kitchen. "Thanks guys. Okay, start boiling Choco-stock!"

The camera returns to Zidane and crew. "Things are beginning to heat up. So Cyan, tell us about your experience with bonberries."

Cyan nods. "Well, I don't pass by bonberries often, but you have to be careful when picking bonberries. If you pick just any berry, you may come across one that isn't ripe and those can be very bitter in taste."

"Splendid!" Shouts Gogo.

"Gogo, why do you keep doing that?" Zidane asks.

Gogo doesn't reply, instead he smiles for a moment then points down to the floor. "…and look. The challenger appears to be starting a broth of some kind, Cyan could you tell us what that is?"

"Yes, it looks like Eiko is going to prepare a form of Eastern Style broth."

"What is the difference between Eastern and Western style broth?" Aeris asks.

"Western is more spicy with dead pepper seeds. Eastern style adds Karakko greens for a mild nutty flavor." Cyan finishes.

Suddenly Aeris shrieks. The entire arena goes silent. A pan drops. "Something touched me." She says harshly with surprise.

"Oh," chuckles Zidane, "don't worry, that thing has a mind of its own. It's harmless, however,-

"Oh will somebody please tell me what Master Tonberry has out on his cutting board!" Sephiroth interrupts so not to hear the flirtations.

Cyan pays no mind to the couple and answers the question. "It looks like he's got a pike fish! Oh my! It's fresh!"

Master Tonberry has the pick fish by the tail as it lashes out. It snaps its teeth. All tonberries stand back as Master Tonberry flings it down onto the cutting board. "It's sharp!" He taunts before jabbing it with his chef's knife. POINK!

Gogo grins with delight. "That there was Master Tonberry's famous skill there. Oh! Down in one strike!" He adds as the fish dies.

"The pike fish is being filleted into strips almost to the point of transparency." Cyan remarked.

"Amazing!" Gogo shouts.

"Way to go, Master T.!" Zidane cheers. "So Aeris, I hear your show everyday and what you do with flowers is just absolutely spectacular."

"Why thank you, Zidane." Aeris smiles.

"(oh brother.)" Mutters Sephiroth.

"I think you do a great job announcing." Aeris returns.

"Really? So do you want to have dinner with me sometime? You know, away from the stadium." Zidane says brightly.

"That's sweet, but I'm kind of taken." Aeris says turning to watch the show.

"oh."

"Astounding!" Gogo shouts.

"Gogo stop that." Zidane warns.

"Ice 1!" Eiko shouts.

"It appears Eiko has been making a dessert of some kind. It looks like a fruity sorbet or ice cream." Cyan points out.

"Is there any bonberries in it yet?" Zidane asks.

"I'm not sure." Cyan replies rubbing his mustache.

"Well, as of now we have about two dishes on the challenger's side and one on Master Tonberry's side. So Aeris, how can you be 'sort of' taken?" Zidane continues.

Aeris turns back to him with a small smile. "Um, it's complicated."

"Stupendous!" Gogo shouts.

"Gogo!" Zidane glares at him, then turns to the floor. "Alright, it looks like the chefs are cooking up a storm, literally."

"Lit 2!" Tonberry chants. A flash of lightning cuts through the room. Everyone gasps.

"Wow! What feat of culinary skill! What did he do that for?" gasps Aeris.

"Kupo nuts taste best when roasted with a quick flash of heat, Lit 3 will burn them! Also, it looks like he's trying to keep the moogles back." Cyan responds.

Moogles scatter away from the tonberries' side. Who knows what they were trying to do. "Come on you guys, stay focused!" Eiko commands.

Sephiroth holds a mild interest in the battle. "Looks like a little bit of distraction on the challenger's side. Ack! Will you get that tail away from me before I chop it off"! He bats away Zidane's tail.

"You know, you remind me of someone I hated." He says with wonder. He then goes back to the main subject of interest. "Um, Aeris I'm a little confused. When you say 'sort of' taken, do you mean that you broke up with this someone, or they don't return your love?" Zidane presses.

She sighs. "No, we didn't break up and he did love me. We just got separated."

"Like breaking up?" Zidane asks.

"No." she responds slightly annoyed.

"Excellent!" Shouts Gogo.

Sephiroth laughs.

"I'd like for you to take notice of the technique Eiko is using…" Cyan continues.

"So this guy you are or were seeing, you were separated, right? Do you see other people when you're like this?" Zidane continues putting a hand on Gogo's mouth.

"No." Aeris says plainly.

"Does he?"

"No, I don't know!" She stammers. "He can see who he wants to see!" she finishes.

Zidane's eyes widen in shock. "And you're ok with that?"

Aeris becomes flustered. "No, I mean yes! I-

"Everything but the fishes please." Gogo interjects.

"Gogo stop it! I'm trying to have a conversation with Aeris." Zidane shouts back.

"How about sticking to the menu down there, I want this over and done with." Sephiroth replies.

"So why can't you go out with anyone?" Zidane ignores Sephiroth's remark.

"Because-

"Listen to me!" Sephiroth finally breaks. "She was seeing Cloud Strife against Tifa's feelings and then I killed her! So can we please, just get on with the show"!

A Fire 1 spell flies over their heads. They duck and yell. Eiko glares back at them. "Will you please shut up! We are trying to cook down here!"

Gau laughs out loud from the back of the kitchen.

Zidane looks with wonder at Sephiroth, totally not getting his message. "…You killed Tifa? That's-

"I'd like to call attention to Master Tonberry's side. It appears he is grilling the pike fish over wood chips…" Cyan's commentary is again pushed into the background.

Sabin pops in. "Hey, I haven't said anything yet!"

Zidane:

"What are you doing up here?" Gogo asks.

"I was also listed as being part of the tasting panel! Where's my seat?"

"Get off my lap!" Cyan barks to Sabin.

"Magnificent!" Gogo shouts out.

"Nothin' magnificent about Cyan's lap." Sabin says to him.

"Oh!" Cyan huffs.

"You weren't invited to the viewing box. You come out during the tasting." Zidane tells him.

Sabin frowns at him. "Wha? And miss out on these ladies' company?"

"Grr! You ox!" Sephiroth growled at him.

"Well, that was sort of the idea." Murmured Zidane.

"…The pike fish has been cut into squares and I believe that is bonberry broth being poured over them. How unusual." Cyan goes on.

"Sounds gross." Sabin quips.

Zidane continues to press Aeris. "Can I at least give you my number?"

Aeris sighs. "I don't have a phone."

"Heh-heh-heh, that's ok, I don't have a number."

Aeris smiles at his effort.

Cyan tries to get their attention. "Excuse me-

"Hmm, that poor Tifa. You must have lost many friends in your heroic battles to save your world." Zidane tries to flatter her.

Sephiroth has had enough of this madness. "NO! NO! NO! SHE'S THE ONE WHO WAS LOST! I KILLED HER, NOT TIFA! I KILLED AERIS! SHE'S DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEEEEEAAAAAD!" He fumes.

"Yeah, cause I was gonna say that Tifa's OK." Aeris adds unfazed by his rant.

"Huh? Wha—wait a minute, then how come?" Sabin tries to figure out the logic of the situation.

Cyan is completely shocked.

Zidane pauses. "…Is Cloud dead?"

"AAAAAAAAHH!" Sephiroth whips out his sword. The show goes black as a blast of energy from his sword hits the camera.

We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by.

(musack playing) "This show stinks!"

(Well that's-)

Show comes back on Zidane smiles. "And we're back, folks. Sorry for the brief interruption there. Sephiroth got his sword caught in the ridiculous amount of camera cables above him. Don't worry Sephi, we'll get it down after the show."

Sephiroth is still fuming, this time from electric shock.

"Oh my, are you all right?" Cyan asks.

"Either you leave me alone or explain what's going on now, just don't speak to me." He grumbles, slightly twitching.

"Divine! It looks as if the time is almost up, only five minutes to go!" Gogo shouts.

"It looks as if Gogo is about to split in half with excitement." Sabin adds.

"It looks as if we were meant to be, look at my horoscope." Zidane looks in the back of the Style section in the newspaper. Aeris looks over. "What's mine say."

"Do you really want to know?" adds Sephiroth.

"It looks as if-uhg!" Cyan catches himself from continuing the opening trend, "I mean, it appears as if both chefs have three dishes ready. They are putting the finishing touches on their desserts."

"Oh what did they make? I kind of missed it." Aeris says.

"Terrific!" Gogo shouts.

"Gogo! With all that interrupting, Miss Aeris didn't catch what was going on!" Zidane scolds.

Gogo blinks "huh?"

"I told you about that. From now on, Gogo I banish you from the box. You will have to be down there amidst the chaos and tell us exactly what's going on. When we want to know what's being put together, you better know everything that's going into that dish."

At first Gogo looks disappointed, but only for a moment. "Oh…OK Zidane! Gotcha!"

Sabin shakes his head. "Only he would be happy of something like that."

"How do you think he got put on that tiny little island and eaten by a Zone Eater in the first place?" Sephiroth replies.

Sabin nods in agreement. "True."

BRRRAAAA!

"Gau?" Zidane looks to the wild boy trying to imitate the sound of a gong. He just laughs. "Ha ha ha! Gau says time's up!"

"The chefs have finished their dishes." Cyan states then yells. "I thought I told you to get off my lap!"

Sabin shrugs. "Why? We ain't going anywhere yet."

"I must interview the chefs on their thoughts about the dishes."

Zidane lifts a finger. "Aha! That's Gogo's job now. Right Gogo?"

Gogo squeals. "I'm on my way!" He got up and started to make his way down to the arena. "Oops! My tomato." He pulls out a cucumber and tomato and puts them together to form a microphone. He begins to talk into and it amplifies his voice. "I am here with challenger Eiko. How did you feel when you heard the main ingredient?"

Eiko looks to the camera then looks back to him uncertainly. "Um, I'm talking into a vegetable." She says shyly.

"That's okay." He whispers back.

"Well, at first I was like what is that, but I tasted one and it tasted pretty good so I was, um, able to figure out where I wanted to go with this item and I was hoping I would be able to do a version of my favorite dish but, I didn't know if I could with the main ingredient and I did, it was really cool." She rambled on.

"And how do you think your dishes came out?"

"Well, I don't know, it's gonna be up to the judges 'cause I had a moogle tell me it was kupolicious, but that doesn't mean much to me cuz there was this one time-

"Wonderful!" Gogo interrupts. "We'll find out what dishes you made in a sec. Now let's head over to chef Tonberry. Mr. Berry-

"Um, it's just one word, Tonberry." He corrects.

"Then what's your last name?" Gogo asks.

"Um, I don't have one. Enemies and Summons do not have last names. I was going to take it to court, but I'm not sure how well the court system works. I didn't want to get popped."

"How did you feel about tonight's battle?"

"BRAAAAA! Gau says time's up!"

"Gau you already said that." Gogo looked to the boy.

"Ha ha ha!"

"I'm sorry Mr. Berry what were you about to say?"

Master Tonberry gets irritated. "Oh! First of all-

An announcer comes on the intercom. "And now it is time for tasting and scoring."

"Oh-OOOOH!" Tonberry yells.

Zidane is at the front of the table. "Okay, everyone will take their places and uh- hey! Where do I sit?" He looks around.

Ramuh looks sternly at him. "Only the guests of the night are going to eat. That's the rule."

"Not one single bite." Zidane pouts.

Ramuh zaps him. "Yikes! Okay! What ref. Ramuh says, goes. Then may I feed Aeris her plate?" He asks prettily.

"No but you can serve everyone."

"That's okay, I'll just stand over here." Zidane smiles and steps to the side.

"Who's food is first?" I'm starved!" Sabin looks down at the serving tray.

Cyan takes over the serving. "First it will be the challenger. She has three dishes. Here is the first dish." He serves the appetizer.

Eiko describes the meal. "Um, I call this dish Bonberry broth with Eiko kick. You'll find the karakko does a good job harmonizing with the bonberries. I ground up the bonberries and boiled them in the broth then strained it. I added Shellfish as the meat in the center to give the soup a little contrast to the sweetness."

Aeris tastes and sniffed it. "Mmm, wow. It's sweet and a little nutty. It's good."

Sabin tries some. "Hmm. I like shellfish fried usually, but this is quite good, for this dish. Although I taste bonberry, but I see shellfish, what are you trying to bring out?"

Sephiroth takes a sip and nods. "Hm, yes I see no main ingredient in this. The shellfish stands out too much in this dish."

Quina swallows the entire dish, bowl and all. "I eat it all."

Sabin leans a huge arm on the table and grunts. "Yeah we see that, but what do you think?"

"Needs frog."

Eiko looks uncertain from that remark and moves on to the next dish. "Um, next is Bonberries Bahumut style."

All the panelists are served and dig in. Sabin remarks first. "Roasted bonberries with mushroom fillets."

"Lovely." Quina states licking it all up.

"I like this. I see bonberries and I taste bonberries. The mushroom goes well with the berries. Delish!" Aeris smiles at the little girl. Eiko giggles with delight.

"I got a burnt nut." Sephiroth remarks grouchily.

"Oh no." She replies disappointed.

"I don't like the dish." He responds to deepen the blow.

Eiko then dishes out the dessert. "Here is dessert."

Aeris wiggles slightly with anticipation. "Ooh, I've been waiting for this one."

"You gotta a bit of a sweet tooth, don't you Aeris?" Zidane points out.

"Shuddap Zidane!" Sephiroth barks. He doesn't want the lover's conversation to break out again.

"Now there's no need-

"Shuddap Zidane!" Gogo mimics.

"Gogo!" Zidane scolds.

Gogo just squeals.

"Bonberry Bonbons." Eiko speaks up over the commotion.

"Oh how cute!" Aeris gushes at the presentation of the dish. Soft pink squares decorated with wild flower of the Mist Continent. A sliver of sorbet a served along side of it.

"Oh great." Mutters Sephiroth.

Sabin munches on the delicacy. "Now this is perfect! I taste sweet bonberry filling."

"I love this. Eiko, give me the recipe." Aeris begs.

Quina wipes her mouth with her bib. "Burp! Good!"

Sephiroth takes a bite and chews thoughtfully. "It's a decent dish…I don't like it."

"Do you like anything?" Zidane glares at him.

"I'd like to get off this show." He replies with a cold smile.

Gogo stands up. "That is it for challenger Eiko's dishes. Up next, we have Master Tonberry's dishes."

They wait patiently as they are served. Master Tonberry steps up and describes his dishes. "First of all, I have a delicious salad de Bonberry. It is a salad served in a kupo nut shell with Mint Greens, bonberries, and dead pepper seeds. This gives the salad a refreshing taste with a bit of bite."

Sabin looks down at the salad. "What's in the dressing?"

"Bonberries, cactaur syrup, milk, spice of islands, and oil." Master Tonberry reads off the ingredients.

"Interesting." Aeris tastes the salad carefully. "It's very good."

Sephiroth says nothing but lifts his plate and slips it over and onto the floor. (hint: A little known fact, Sephiroth is allergic to dead peppers!)

"OH!" Master Tonberry shouts in horror as his masterpiece is desecrated.

"I woulda liked chestnuts in this." Sabin blurts out.

Master Tonberry can't stand the insults anymore. "I refuse to have my work treated like this!"

Cyan speaks up. "Well part of competing in this show means your work must be judgethed- I mean judged."

Sabin laughs. "HA! You slipped up again, man. Remember nobody talks like that."

Master Tonberry picks up the huge bowl of main course. "Well then, JUDGE THIS!" He tosses it at them.

Aeris gasps as she is covered with soup. Her dress becomes slightly transparent.

"Wow." Zidane remarks.

Sabin is dumbstruck.

"Oh-no! Gogo's gonna-" Zidane looks to his co-host in alarm.

Gogo begins to glow like a bomb about to go off. "MEGA ULTRA FANTASTIC!"

An explosion goes off. Gogo is gone.

"What on Earth?" Aeris shrieks.

"ugh!" Sabin groans as he is hit with something wet. He hopes it wasn't Gogo.

Zidane just sighs. "I warned him."

"All right I'm out of here." Sephiroth gets up and storms off.

"Wait a minute! You can't leave! What about the verdict?" Eiko asks.

Cyan pulls out a big book that states 'RULES' on the cover. "Well it appears that must be handled by a very special event rule."

"That's right. In the event that a show or contest is ended by means of spontaneous interruption or combustion, as it happens frequently, the end results are judged by a jury from.." he looks to a page and finds what he is looking for, "Ah, a jury from Fantasy Global Versus!" He slams the book shut confidently.

Aeris is puzzled. "But isn't that a randomly chosen panel? What if they have never heard the show?"

Zidane puts a finger to his lip to ponder the question. "You know, that's an interesting question. Well, seeing that the studio has been reduced to rubble and several people have vanished and uh, Quina has eaten all of what's left, we'll have to say tune in to Fantasy Global for the conclusion of…

CULINARY WARS!


End file.
